Maze Runner pt.1

My name is Marta and I am a mother to three beautiful and healthy children: 2 biological males and 1 biological female. About 2 years ago we embarked as a family on the most difficult journey of our lives. Journey that's ripping my family apart. Journey that's now affecting many families like ours. Welcome to my world and my take on transgenderism and gender ideology. 

I believe my child and totally get how my child feels & where they’re coming from, but I totally disagree with the way it’s handled by health care professionals especially when it comes to children. I strongly believe in the impact of ancestral & childhood trauma. Our children are carrying burdens that aren’t theirs to carry. They need help. They need help figuring out why they are running away from the bodies they were given at birth. Young boys & girls are being disempowered. Womanhood is being made fun of! And patriarchy is having a laugh. What a clown world we live in. Crazy, we even have to ask “What is a woman?”.

I chose to fight a quiet battle until now and not disclose my family's journey for various reasons, but I no longer wish for it to be a quiet battle. I’m not trying to force anything on anyone here. It's really about being able to speak my truth and express my emotions. I find it rather cathartic. You are welcome to disagree and I'm open to civilized dialogue, but I will not tolerate offensive comments. I’m not going to be intimidated. And for those who find solace in my writing, I SEE YOU. 

If you're not familiar with my journey, I have documented everything and you're welcome to read it on my blog. About 5 years ago, I embarked on a profound journey of healing my inner child. Clearing childhood and ancestral trauma. I traveled to the darkest deepest corners of my psyche and discovered the light in me. My true and most authentic self. Not tainted by the outside world, opinions and projections of others or gender stereotypes. 

I strongly believe in childhood and ancestral trauma and believe that in this day and age it is simply absurd to dismiss its impact on our mental health. My child was born a female. A beautiful, healthy girl. Perfect, happy, extremely switched on and strong headed child. Until about the age of 10. First alarm bells went off when my baby started presenting with an eating disorder. I have myself gone through the experience and understand the deep underlying reasons for my eating disorder. I write about it in “To the girl who skipped her meal today”. So I approached my child with love, compassion and understanding, I held space, I really listened and we pulled through. We did energy work, we did sound healing and after about a year we made it through. Then at about 11yo (which I think is way too young!) my baby started questioning their sexuality and announced they are gay. Then a week later it was “bi”, then it was “pansexual”, then “non binary”, and all the pronouns that came with that, then a name change, then another name change. And look, I was ok with all of this. My head was spinning, but it was my child’s way of searching for belonging. We’ve gone through a lot: me and my husband separated, all our livelihood was threatened in the 2019 bushfires, Covid… Many times traumatic events can trigger survival tactics. My eldest who is diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome/ high functioning autism (which I believe is manifestation of childhood and ancestral trauma, but I will leave this for another post) at around the age of 8, to cope with the divorce of his parents, invented Leonie! Leo didn't know how to cope with those emotions so Leonie came for a visit. He would dress in girl clothes, jewelry, my biological daughter would put makeup on him. And I rolled with it. I didn't stop my child from dressing up, but no one ever assumed he actually wanted to be a girl or was gay. I knew my child was trying to cope with some heavy stuff. Leonie’s parents didn't go through the divorce. Everything was good in Leonie’s world. She would make people laugh and she felt seen and loved. We worked very hard with my husband to make sure our children knew that even though their parents don't live together they are always and forever loved. Our children are our priority and even though we are divorced we remain best friends. And just so you know, Leonie hasn't visited since.

Going back to my then 11yo biological daughter, in late 2021 we landed on the idea of transitioning from female to male and things started getting really heavy. My child changed schools, then eventually dropped out, all friendships all of a sudden dissolved. I get where my child was coming from and my heart was aching. And before you say, I don't understand, I haven't been there. Well, I very much have. Every bit of my child and what my child was going through (including the eating disorder) was like reliving my (childhood) trauma. My whole journey was about finding a place of belonging and claiming my personal power back. Until a few years ago, I didn't fit in. I didn't feel safe as a woman. My innocence was taken from me twice: at a very young age, too young to remember until later on my healing journey and in my teen years. I didn't feel safe or good enough as a female and I would never feel good enough as a male. I could never replace my big brother or my baby rainbow brother. If I were to use today's terms I’d call myself  “nonbinary”. Not belonging. And I went through some dark stuff in my teen years: depression, eating disorder, suicidal thoughts, self harming, self loathing, anxiety, numbing, survival tactics, etc. Nobody talked about gender reassignment, pronouns, gender identity when I was growing up. My own personal spiritual experience has taken me on the journey of reclaiming, healing & awakening of my Feminine within me & honoring my femininity. I have healed and balanced both my feminine & masculine energies within me. And from the healed and balanced place I figured out what it means to ME to be a woman not what somebody wanted me to be. It took me a lifetime, but now is the most feminine I‘ve ever felt. I haven’t changed much. I still don’t wear makeup, don’t own high heels, and the earth under my nails is my nail polish. Except my mindset has changed and I glow differently. And it comes from within, from my self worth, pride, sense of worthiness and personal power not from the validation from the outside world.

For the last two years I’ve tried everything I could to make my child feel seen and understood, but I also have been honest with my child about how I feel about the whole gender ideology. I've done everything in my power to support my child. We've gone through 2 name changes, binders, seen school and regular psychologists, counselors, LGBTQX support workers. All to no avail. I've had countless meetings at school when my child refused to go to school and threatened with suicide. But I fought tooth and nail and my child is now at least enrolled in government Eschool. We were referred to and seen by a gender clinic only to find out it’s not funded and is run by volunteers. With no psychological/ mental health check and with me raising concerns and mentioning: eating disorder and other behavioral problems ( ADHD, Autism), depression, suicide thoughts my child left the clinic that day with a “Thats ok. It's completely normal to want to be in a different body” and a 6 month script for a progestin medication, used in birth control pills, menopausal hormone therapy and for treatment of gynecological disorders, to “pause” the puberty as absurd as it sounds. My 13 yo child is receiving a double dose to suppress the ovulation and stop the menstrual cycles. My own ovaries are bleeding as I write this! What do you think happens to the eggs every month? What chemicals are in the pills? What effect does a double dose have on my child?? I was told “completely harmless.” BS! Like puberty blockers?? Lupron, the drug used in puberty blockers ( We never were in puberty blockers so I'm not sure if it's the case in Australia, but has been used in America) is also used to chemically castrate sex offenders!! So, no. Do not tell me it’s completely safe and reversible. I don't know, if my child will ever be able to have children, if they wish. Where do you think those suppressed eggs go? They're probably calcifying somewhere in my baby’s body and forming a blob of angry cells. I don't know about the risk of cancer, but common sense says it is all just so wrong. I was put on the spot. I had no idea my child would walk out with the script that day. Without any mental health check/ support. We are not required to come back until my child turns 17 where we'd discuss possible gender reassignment surgery and until then my child is supposed to happily take a double dose of progestin pill. But my kid wants testosterone therapy now. And If I don't agree, I'm a transphobe. We are allowing for drastic, irreversible treatments and surgeries. I strongly disagree. It's not about my child wanting to be a male. It's about why my child doesn't feel safe to be a female. 

After my dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening, I saw that we are part of something bigger, grander. We come to experience this life in order to grow and evolve. I came to this earth to help heal my family's very heavy ancestry line and empower future generations. Yes, I do believe souls have no gender, but souls are energy. But when we choose to come to earth, when we are born our souls are to experience this world through the eyes and the body they incarnated in. And although we all have masculine and feminine energies within, I believe biologically it can only be male or female. You can be a feminine man and masculine woman. What you do with the energies is up to you, but a female can never be a male and vice versa. No amount of drugs or surgeries will turn a man into a female. And so as long as my signature is needed I do not consent to any drastic surgeries or treatments and at the moment I only consent to the progestin treatment because I wanted to make this period a bit more manageable for my child while we were getting help. However, that's being revised at the moment, also.

I have been talking with my children about how I believe energy healing works. We have managed to get through some really dark times with my eldest by doing some deep energetic work. But for me to do that I need permission. I need the person’s permission and openness to receive the healing. My trans son wouldn't give me the permission until the other day. BUT, I'm allowed to do distance healing only and I'm not allowed to speak my truth at home. And it breaks my heart. The impact the whole transition has on the whole family is horrific. My trans child's pain spilling on the whole family and I see the trauma and I'm not allowed to speak my truth. And I have been called names and threatened. It's no sympathy post, but it's a horrendous thing to be in and I don't wish it upon anyone. I want the best for my child, I want “him” to be happy, but unfortunately we are not on the same page. I believe kids don't need to run, they don't need to hide in a different body, but I also understand they might be a little young to understand that and that's why I believe no drastic and irreversible measures should be taken, especially when it comes to children. Instead, loads of mental health support and trauma healing work. I want my child to see how amazing and loved they are, just the way they are.

We've had many disagreements so far, but we always managed to come back. I really don't care what people are doing with their lives, if men want to run around in skirts, makeup etc or girls grow beards. But I am full of compassion because I believe there is something deeply disturbing about that and these people need help. Not “you are crazy” help. They are carrying burdens in the form of childhood and ancestral trauma, that’s not theirs to carry and they need help to heal. To free themselves from pain and trauma help. For their highest good and the highest good of all. And just to reiterate, the reason for this post is just to express my truth. It's writing from my point of view and my own struggles with identity and belonging. I'm not trying to convince or force anything to believe my way. Writing here is about speaking my truth and is very healing to me, but what you do with this information is up to you. 

Couple of days ago we had a disagreement: “You are not qualified to speak on this topic. Why do you care so much about this? Why are you so obsessed with trans people, it doesn't affect you?” I went for a walk to clear my head. I care about it so much because it affects me a great deal and I do not need a paper to be qualified to speak my truth. I care about my child. It affects my whole family. My two other boys are terrified to misgender or say something wrong and anxious for not being able to express their emotions, their confusion. It was like flood gates opened when (after tiptoeing around the topic for a little while I must admit to figure out how to deal with everything for the highest good of all) I made sure they're not only allowed, but I encourage them to talk about their feelings. They felt heard. They felt seen. They felt their emotions validated. It affects other families, the whole society. Boys and girls are being disempowered by not being able to heal and return to their inner child, to that place of purity and innocence. That authentic self. They are given drugs and surgeries instead. A false sense of power with drastic and irreversible results. Middle aged men parading on the internet as trans women indoctrinating our children: “It’s perfectly normal. Gender doesn’t exist. Women can have penises, Your parents are toxic!” and more absurd and deeply disturbing statements. I don’t care what you do with your demons and your body dysmorphia. I believe we are born in the right body and if in this lifetime you don't feel that way you need to figure out why. But if transition is what you choose to do as an adult? So be it, but leave the children out of it.

Womanhood is being made fun of. No, I'm not a “ciswoman” I am simply a WOMAN. No, I’m not a life giver or a birthing person. I am a MOTHER. No, I am not a chest feeder. I have BREASTFED my babies! It’s like “Handmaid's Tale” only we are living it now. Biological women are being erased and replaced by trans women in sports and other areas of our society. The very same people who are so upset about gender stereotypes are promoting and supporting exactly that. Stereotypes. No amount of makeup, boob enlargements, hormones, nails, tight tops, the mannerisms will make any man a woman. There is so much more to womanhood?? And that's why to me, a trans woman will always be a man identifying as a woman as a coping mechanism for their wounded psyche.

“It’s like a zombie apocalypse” I thought to myself coming back from my walk. My kid got a parcel that day, “The Maze Runner “ poster. “He” loves this movie and has always been into zombies. I believe in signs from the Universe and synchronicities and couldn't believe it when I saw it. What a sad, but perfect metaphor for my child! It is like a maze where my child and other kids are. Some will make it out the maze, some won't. I see Thomas, the main character from the movie, in my child. The protagonist, the one who makes it out of the maze and is determined to help find the cure to stop the zombie apocalypse. But he didn't have to look for the cure, he was the cure. He always had the power. He just had to find it for himself.
To be continued…

From my heart to yours. Marta


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    Jonny Abeque
  • Good evening Marta, your words are very touching.

    I suppose as a mother it must be difficult to go through.

    I agree with you about not considering radical changes right away. Deciding which gender you want to be takes time, as does your sexuality.

    I found out early on that I was gay but didn’t admit it to myself until much later. When I was asked, I said I was bi, I thought it was easier…
    What helped me, as an adult, was to work in an essentially female environment (perfumery and hairdressing) with many homosexuals around me who showed me both the worst and the best!

    In any case, it allowed me to fully assume myself but the path took time and it was not reversible (even if I absolutely do not see myself having a relationship other than friendly with a woman! ).

    The best advice I can give you, you already know it yourself: be by your children’s side, let them choose the path they want, but be there. Guide them as best you can, be the shoulder they come to cry on – because they will cry, take my word for it. Let them grow, they will make mistakes, they are still so young.
    Nothing and no one can force them to be what they don’t feel in their soul. With all my love!! Olivier

  • Thank you for sharing your thoughts Marta. I have been struggling through a similar experience for the last 10 years. My beautiful girl told us when she was 13 that she identified as trans. I was staggered. It was not on my radar at all. We have since spent 10 years that have had a good deal of loveliness but a HUGE burden of supporting our beloved child as they have struggled with poor mental health, body loathing, eating disorder, and a terrible sense of not being worthy and not belonging. It has been heart smashing and exhausting. Transitioning with testosterone and top surgery made no difference to their sense of well-being. Their sense of self and despair reached terrible depths during the covid lockdowns and I have regularly wondered how they would ever survive. Ten years ago we were convinced like you that this obsession with wanting to be masculine was born out of deep anxiety. We tried so hard to be supportive but also not to simply accept everything that was placed before us. They were a child. A lost child. But we went along with it. Now they have changed their mind. After what seems to us like torturing themselves for ten years they have finally arrived in a place where they DONT consider themselves as male. They are not unhappy with their top surgery at this time. They want to be with women. They dress and present as a women (which frankly they always have – they only lasted a couple of years on the testosterone because they hated the body hair and acne). And they are the happiest they have been since this nightmare started. I agree with you – I think it is a desperation that comes from a deep sense of uncertainty and fear and emptiness. And I think it’s FED by unsettling forces in society – Japanese manga was a disaster for our child as was social media. My husband feels that he failed our child by not protesting and saying no. I don’t know. I have held my child close in my arms and heart as they struggled through the last ten years and I wouldn’t change that. Now that we are on this new path we still have a wonderful relationship and it would have broken me to have lost that too.

    I hear you Marta. I don’t know what comes next but I long for my child to find a good therapist they can really connect with and explore what this loss was and how to grow stronger on their beautiful femininity as they continue forward.

    You and your children have my love and compassion Marta. I just wonder what this era will look like in 100 years.


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