The Butterfly effect.
A good chunk of my primary school was PE. At around 11, which was grade 5 for me in Poland (primary school went up to grade 8 back then with an intake at 7yo). I was chosen to go into sport’s stream. My year was divided into: all girls, all boys and a mixed regular class. Boys and girls from other schools would join the sports stream. We mainly trained handball to then join the women's team. We had extra handball training after school, but during school hours we did a whole range of sports: athletics, gymnastics, swimming and other team sports. We had 10 hours of PE a week compared to 1-2 hrs for regular classes. I didn’t like swimming much. I didn’t feel confident in the water or maybe it was that fear of my dad no longer being there to catch me, if I "drown". I remember other school's swimming instructor and he terrified me and probably many kids, too. He had a habit of throwing kids in the water, if they took too long to jump in. Were they also afraid there'd be no one to catch them, if they “drown”? Water is emotions and my swimming journey represents the journey of healing of my emotional body. My inner world manifesting in my outer world.
A lot has happened energetically since my last post. Writing things out and sending them into the ether always helps me integrate the energies I'm working with at a deeper level. We have been dealing with a lot astrologically the past couple of weeks and I hope you've been kind to yourselves. I’m by no means an expert in astrology, but I do like to keep an eye on what’s happening in the skies. Knowing what’s going on energetically helped me understand certain emotional reactions (my own or others’) and helped me remove myself from the chaos many times. Mars the God of war and Venus the Goddess of love meeting in the sky and doing their cosmic dance and creating a powerful “push and pull” dynamic. Sun opposing Pluto, the planet of regeneration, transformation and rebirth, shining light on what is holding us back, but most powerful I think Chiron, the wounded warrior representing our core wound, going into its retrograde period. Retrogrades are times to go within to revisit, reevaluate and recalibrate. During Chiron retrograde we are pushed to work on isssues from the past that are currently affecting our present. It's time of healing, which means (past life) wounds will be open, we will be triggered, but that's so we can heal for good. It can be a wonderful, empowering, enlightening and freeing time for those who have been doing the work, but for those of us afraid to face our shadows, it can be quite an unpleasant time and it can feel like world is against you. I highly recommend getting a birth chart where you can see which house in astrology Chiron is in and which area of your life is affected. It will help you understand where your core wound is and how to heal it. My Chiron is in my 12th house in the sign of Taurus. In astrology, 12th house is considered the unseen realm. It’s the house of the unconscious and all things unseen in life like dreams, secrets, emotions, spirituality, psychic abilities. Taurus is all about the wound of loss whether it’d be fear of losing people, possessions, love, money, but also the feeling of safety and security in those given areas.
The morning after Chiron went retrograde I was guided into a morning meditation to upgrade my DNA and light body. It's my favourite spiritual cleanse and just like it happened many times before, I was effortlessly taken into another realm. I found myself in a hospital room, standing by a big window. A beautiful, newborn baby girl in my arms. ME. I could feel her in my arms, her soft skin, warm body. She was only minutes old. I saw the light in her. I held her safe and whispered to her: "You're loved. You're safe. You're always protected. I‘VE GOT YOU." I have "flooded" her tiny body, from crown to root chakra and as deep as her DNA strand with pure divine light. I felt love for her with every cell of my body. Her skin touching mine, her tiny hand placed over my heart chakra. She felt held. Then my hands got really hot and I was guided to put them on my sore tummy. My cycle just restarting after 3 month break. It stopped exactly when I started writing here about my journey of reclaiming, healing and awakening and honouring my divine feminine within me and weaving the magic of sacred rituals into my life. Even though I never had any problems conceiving, since I can remember I’ve had a mysterious pain in my right ovary and had it investigated without finding anything. Ovaries represent our creativity. It's where magic happens. My right ovary, representing creative masculine energy in my body, aching or on overdrive due to unhealthy energy stuck in my psyche. Then, I was taken back one by one to days my babies were born and as I was holding them close I whispered those same words to each one of them. As my hands were getting hotter, I was guided to place them on my girl's tummy who was just sitting in the room reading. “Flooding” her tiny ovaries with pure, unconditional light and removing any stagnant energy at an ancestral and DNA level. A couple of days later, I found myself at a vet saying goodbye to our pussy cat. She got unwell suddenly and went downhill from there really quickly. Our outer world is merely a reflection of our inner world and I knew things were shifting. Our girl joined our family just as I fully committed to my healing journey, she went downhill soon after I posted “Don't fail me now”. I didn’t cast any spells for this to unfold this way. All I did was commit to the journey. To do the work. To dive deep. To heal all ancestral and childhood trauma for good. Go as far as necessary. She was very much loved, but my inner compass was telling me her dying meant that the "old" part of me was truly gone now. I’m not telling you you will go through experiences I go through. We all have our own inner compass, it’s just the matter of opening up to the dialogue. And once you do you’ll know, if you’re on the right path or not.
That morning, before the vet's visit, I was guided to another meditation. I found myself in the same hospital room from 2 days before. Holding the little darling girl. A beautiful crystalline pink lotus flower hovering over her and "flooding" her tiny body with pure divine light. I felt she was ready to go into the world to manifest her soul's desire. I knew there was a reason I was in that hospital room again. I knew it was time to hand her over to mum, but I hesitated for a moment. I didn’t know, if i should or should I hold on to her bit longer? I chose to hand her over to mum and I fully understood my choice. I did it, because I knew to the core, she was ready to live her beautiful life fully. No longer tainted by old traumas and toxic patterns. She was ready. She had all the tools she needed. I saw her in mum’s arm. Mum so happy...
When our pussycat died, I revisited that time she joined our family by going through my old journals. Just around her arrival, which happened to be around a Full Moon, I held a ritual. To mark a commitment to my healing journey. To dive deep. To heal. To reclaim all lost pieces of "self". That evening, I meditated on some powerful words I wrote down from a show I was guided to watch. Spirit communicating with me loud and clear. Those words holding even more power now than ever. It's been almost 2 years to the date. I buried Lily in her favourite spot in the garden, just under a white camelia where she used to sit and watch the birds, a day before the last Full Moon. I wrote those same words on a piece of paper, read them out, burnt them and scattered the ashes over Lily. And set an intention: “Let there be light”. A powerful moment of releasing the “old” back to the Source.
"What's in that heart of yours that dare not speak?You have been told to ignore it.You have been told to pretend it's not there.But ignoring it is like choosing a lighter sword.What comes from turning our backs on the heaviness inside us?It destroys us.You have to face it.You have to face the heaviness, because the heaviness is what's keeping you from being who you really are.Embrace it.Look into your heart with clear eyes and move with it.Let out the [girl] you are inside.The [girl] you've never known.The [girl] who's never dared step into the light.Face the heaviness that’s stopping that [girl] and name it.It’s not the pain that ruins us.It’s the things we do to avoid the pain.Break! Break! Let the spirit crack you open.Let your soul be forged into crucible of your own agony.Transform into the most perfect instrument of destiny for that’s what I sense you are.For the moment I saw you I felt the power in you.If you can embrace the fullness of your pain, you can embrace the fullness of your own power.The power within you." ~ " A Letter for the King."
The next morning I was at my pool. Unable for a week, I could not wait to get into the water. What I thought was interesting that morning, without thinking I jumped straight into the deep end which I never do. I usually start at the shallow end. I submerged my whole body and just felt held. As soon as I started swimming an overwhelming urge washed over me and I was beside myself. After probably around 30 years since I last tried, I just had to do the butterfly stroke. Just as the house has a huge spiritual meaning for me so does the swimming. It's been a mirror reflection of my emotional body and a beautiful journey of healing. My feminine coming back to life. My feminine and masculine energies, the ying and yang balanced. Me swimming butterfly that morning had a huge spiritual meaning. Not only it’s the most difficult style in my opinion, but it's the BUTTERFLY! My inner world manifesting in my reality once again. I was no longer the chrysalis. The transformation was done. I was no longer in my cocoon. My wings already existed. All I had to do was fly.
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From my heart to yours. Marta ✨
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