When truth is no longer optional…

After I posted my last blog I felt some emotions stirring in me and it felt big. Was my dark night of the soul different to what I was going through right now or was this the final missing piece I needed to step into my truth fully?? After I wrote “Don't fail me now” and processed that the masculine figure on the beach and the mermaid are both parts of me something shifted. I felt ready. My masculine and feminine balanced. Ready for the next chapter. And then the Universe did a number on me and something shifted yet again. I peeled another layer off that I didn't even realise was there. 

When I was in my young adolescent years mum would tell me stories surrounding the day of my birth. I know what I'm going to write will ruffle some feathers, but I can no longer hold back my truth. When I was born mum didn't want to see me for a while. Back when I was born in Poland things were different when babies were born. Newborns would stay a lot in nurseries, but mum told me she refused to see me and nurse me at first when it was time. Apparently, the midwives adored me and called me miss of the ward. I know mum had her reasons and it's not parent bashing post. She had her truth, her reasons, her trauma for not wanting to see me. And she told me many, many times she loved me and she didn't mean it and that she was coming off from anaesthetic and I was ok with it and never thought much of it. The truth is though, in that moment over 40 years ago that little girl felt she wasn't wanted and an energetic imprint of that moment was left on my timeline. We say hurtful things out of fear, anxiety, to have a sense of control. We are all guilty of that. Small babies, children have no tools to deal with emotions. I understand mum was hurting and I'm not trying to parent bash here. I'm just accepting my journey for what it is and how it affected me. I never really thought of it much. It happened so early in my life. I accepted it, but the subconscious fear was always there. Fear of not being wanted, fear of abandonment. And as long as there is pain and we aren't ready to dive deep and heal it, we run away from it by numbing, by developing survival tactics. As long as there is pain in our subconscious we manifest it in our reality. Everything is energy and energy is very powerful. The energy of that moment was stuck in my subconscious and manifesting in my reality. I can only heal fully by speaking my truth, by removing that stagnant energy. By going through my emotions, feelings, past events and processing and releasing them. No more running. No more survival tactics... Only healing. 

It feels almost surreal. I woke up the other day and realised it was no longer there. I have felt this shift happening for a while now with every layer being peeled off. My soul's calling getting clearer and clearer until one day I woke up and it felt like there was nothing holding me back anymore. I no longer had the desire to feel needed to fill a void. That deeply imprinted DNA makeup affected all my relationships. It was a part of me from first minutes, hours of my life, from before I was born. I never really got the chance of living in my truth of being wanted for who I am. I was made to believe I was not wanted the day I was born and I believed it. And this was the grandest wound of my life. Wound so big I buried it deep within. Not having the tools to deal with that pain and having my feelings invalidated I tried to avoid it all my life developing more and more survival tactics. The biggest one of all: making myself needed. The world made me believe I wasn't wanted so I made myself needed... I didn't even realise, but all my life subconsciously I believed it was what I gave, what I provided that mattered not me. I, for who I was, just simply did not feel good enough. PERIOD. The problem is you subconsciously manifest relationships that only take from you. People who serve their own needs, relationships that are one sided, unbalanced and not reciprocal. I found myself always being needed instead of wanted by the people that mattered to me the most in my life and all I ever craved was to feel wanted for who I was.

By Human Design, I'm a Manifestor Generator with sacral centre authority. I came to this world to create, to have multiple creative projects on the go. My sacral, my creativity centre is my engine. The Sacral Center in my body is the key to my pure power. It creates the vital life-force energy required for action, living life, doing and creating. I need constantly creating and birthing new creative projects to thrive. Creativity and passion are my driving force. Sacral centre is also our sexuality, relationships, empathy, nurturing, pleasure, emotions and intimacy centre. But there is a difference when you're constantly keeping yourself busy, because subconsciously it’s the fear of not being wanted that is driving you and not the creative life force. I didn't do any specific journeying to heal that wound, because I didn’t even realise it was there! Deeply buried in my psyche. It came naturally after healing all the other wounds and traumas. It came naturally after healing both my masculine and my feminine energies. It came naturally after getting my voice back and speaking about my pain. It came naturally after I surrendered to the journey. But... I had to be truly ready for that. 

When I did the journeying that I wrote about in “The calm after the storm”, I walked hand in hand with my little self, my inner child. She held a seedling of a tree and we walked in search of finding our dream place to plant our new tree. Few days after this meditation I had to take one of our bucklings to the vet to finish off his castration that went wrong. You should've seen the horror look on my vet's face when I asked to keep the testis! :) I already had a plan for it. I held a little New Moon ritual the next day to banish all toxic masculine energies in my life, to help me heal my own masculine energies, to help me make healthy choices in my life. Things started shifting and manifesting almost immediately. Certain people leaving my life without me having to do anything and being replaced with new healthy connections, me deciding to walk away from situations and relationships that were no longer serving my highest good. I placed my little goaty testis underneath a little seedling of an oak tree and planted it as a promise to never abandon my feminine ever again. I had this deep knowing though all these months ago that we won't be here for ever and when the time comes and when I'm ready we will find a new place where we’ll plant our tree so I planted my little seedling in a pot.

By deciding to step into my truth and step away from this place, I reclaimed my feminine power. By holding onto this dream, dream meant for two, I constantly disempowered myself. I let go of trying to hold on, grip, control things to make myself feel needed. No more false sense of power. No more false sense of control. Let life call the shots. Only true and authentic vulnerable power. Here’s to moving forward. Light and free. Untethered. My energy is mine. Here's to living for me.

It changes everything, folks. It's like waking up and realising you've done 180'C flip in your sleep and you're not who you were thus far. It feels surreal. Some call it 'midlife crisis' I call it the biggest awakening of my life and stepping into my souls truth. And, holy s#it it feels amazing! Right now I want to disconnect from the world. I want a little cabin in the woods, an outdoor shower with water from havens warmed up by the rays of the mighty father Sun. I want an outdoor fire bath heated with wood we collected ourselves on our new property. I want to sit by the fire under the canopy of stars with my loved ones and just feel alive. 

Our reality is merely a mirror reflection of our inner world. House on my journey has a spiritual, metaphorical, metaphysical meaning. My first house in my life, the house we “lost” was my childhood trauma and losing myself. The second house, the house now that I’ve been trying to bring to its former glory, represents healing and the new healed me. So let there be a new house. A vibrational match to my inner world. The third house to represent the new me and my spiritual ascension. I woke up the other day ready and just decided I just have to build a new house. Time to lay those new healthy foundations. Foundations not tainted by the wounds and traumas of the past. And I want to design it how I want it not how somebody wants me to or wanted to before me. And it will be a house built with love and we will look after it and will make sure any cracks, leaks will be attended to and "healed". And I will put in a stove, the hearth of the house and it will bring warmth and light into the house. And it will cook our food and it will create a safe and loving space. And I will plant a garden with nourishing fruits, veg, aromatic herbs and intoxicating flowers for the faeries to goof around. Such a huge spiritual meaning for me. I just have to do it. There’s this calling in my soul and I have to answer that call. 

I'm on a journey of my life. So, let there be a new house. For my children, for my grandchildren. A safe place. A place built with love. 

From my heart to yours. Marta ✨

* To book a healing session with me click here or reach out on thesaltoftheurth@gmail.com to book your FREE 15 minute consultation.