To the girl who skipped her meal today...

My homecoming journey really started back in 1998. I was at my lowest body weight ever and one day my body just gave up. I had my "rock bottom" moment after battling an eating disorder, anorexia for around 2 years. It crept up on me unexpectedly. I had a pretty bad injury that resulted in complications. I played handball professionally for over a decade in Poland. I was a goal keeper. I breathed, dreamt, lived handball. I moved out of home to another city at the age of 17 to pursue the love of my life. My passion. We trained everyday, played on the weekends. During game season's breaks we'd go away once or twice for super intense training camps and we'd train twice even three times a day. Periodically, I'd be called to represent my country in U21s. After my injury, I just could not get back to my form. I kept re-injuring my left ankle ( Representing the feminine energy in my body.) and I was just too scared to perform. I knew, that if I don't get better my scholarship would be cut or worse case scenario my contract would not be renewed. I tried to help mum as much as I could financially. It wasn't much, but even the fact that I had my own place and I could pay for my own living expenses was enough of a help for mum. So the stress got better of me and I started losing weight. And all of a sudden I was being noticed by everyone: mum, friends, colleagues, our fitness coach. We had pretty strict weight regime and had to maintain a certain weight for the fear of our scholarship being cut, too and I was not a small girl. I struggled with my weight all my childhood and young adolescent years. On top of it all, since my brother’s death not only I didn't believe I was worthy of this life, but I didn't want to be a girl. All subconscious of course. My 'baby' brother was born late 1984 and I guess I felt replaced. I felt not good enough just by being a girl. All the seemingly innocent remarks about my crooked nose, big butt, small boobs that could be fixed with plastic surgery one day when I have some money were cutting deep. Not only I believed that there was something innately wrong with me. That I was faulty. Subconsciously, I believed I was not enough. That I would never be enough. I was not my brother... But all of a sudden I was getting all the attention I craved so much as a girl, a young woman. I felt “seen” and I just didn't want it to stop... In 1998 after a super intense morning endurance session with my handball team I got sick. I couldn't stop throwing up and my fitness coach had to call a doctor. Now, that doctor was God's sent to me. He said something so profoundly cutting and hurtful and made me feel like piece of shit really. Not what you'd expect from a health professional, but it was what I needed. That wake up call. I realised, I didn't deserve to be talked to like that. I didn't deserve to be treated with disgust and disrespect. I WAS SIMPLY HURTING. MY SOUL WAS ACHING... I needed help! I deserved so much more. My body deserved so much more and it had to start with me. That day I made that heartbreaking decision and handed in my resignation to my coach the next day. To take care of me. Do what’s best for me. Heal… I then concentrated on finishing my Bachelor's Degree in TEFL which I financed by giving private tuition and summer work in Germany which also financed my move to Australia in 2001.

On my healing journey, I realised that I never really let myself grieve the loss of that part of me. And I never got any emotional support from anyone. Handball was my life! My everything, but it just seemed to wash over the people the closest to me just like another bleep on a radar. Or maybe I just didn’t want to burden them with my stuff. I was told many times my feelings were not valid. On top of it all I was dealing with my first real “break up” heart break and we were dealing with the loss of our family house. I felt like a failure. So, I buried it all well down. 

I didn't get better over night. It took a few years and a few hiccups, but eventually I developed a healthy relationship with food. It took reaching that " mind body spirit' balance before I could tell I was "Ok" again. I didn't seek any help from health professionals. Back then there was so much stigma around eating disorders, so two steps forward, one step back I got there eventually on my own. I didn't feel supported by those closest to me. I felt like a disgrace to the family. I felt their embarrassment, disgust which would fuel my self-shaming and self-loathing cycle even more. Any weight issues can be manifestation of major energy imbalances in our inner world. Anorexia, bulimia, obesity. When we subconsciously fear and run away from feelings and there's need for protection we do that by accumulating weight. What are you afraid of losing? What insecurities are you manifesting? Bulimia is a manifestation of inner terrors and frantic stuffing and purging of self-hatred. Literally hating one's own guts. In my case, my anorexia was manifestation of not feeling worthy of this life ( stemming back from my brother's death), extreme fear of heartbreak, rejection and self hatred. I never felt the need to journey to heal my eating habits. I've dealt with those and I wasn’t going to go that road again. But my journeying, my soul retrieval helped me collect those lost pieces of self. It helped me see I deserved so much more than I was willing to accept. It helped me fall in love with myself again.

So, to the girl that skipped her meal today, I see you. I feel you. I hear you and I'm here to listen.

From my heart to yours. With love & light. Marta ✨

* To book a healing session with me click here or reach out on thesaltoftheurth@gmail.com to book your FREE 15 minute consultation.